Stated Objectives, Synergistic Goals

Getting down to the first order of business, the press conference’s purpose was to provide an update on the Symposium’s tireless work toward its ambitious goal of aligning monetary policies in preparation for the eventually imminent macroeconomic uncertainties.

Entering the DITCH, this reporter strolled through the vomitorium, admiring lush tulip bouquets lining the walls from floor to ceiling, their fragrant aroma filling the air with a nuptial joy. A binding resolution awaits the Symposium’s conclusion, with every attendee pledging to uphold, promote, and champion whatever final outcome emerges from the unconditional election scheduled for the final day. With attendees representing every echelon of economic decision-makers and policy-setters, their agenda and deliberations in the DITCH will ripple across the fabric of society.

In the gilded main hall, media from more than two countries took our seats amongst a sea of folding chairs. Before us, a stage, empty but for a podium placed before a massive monitor, awaited the day’s speakers. Murmurs grew as we awaited the presentation, each reporter with a pen, paper, and recording device ready to roll.

The hall suddenly goes dark as “Sirius” by The Alan Parsons Project starts to play, and a dozen floodlight beams criss-cross and pan the hall. Pyrotechnics shoot up from the stage, showering sizzling sparks to welcome Orange Forest Business, Investment, Development Economic Taskforce Director of Dividends and Disciples Noel Collum takes the stage to applause.

When he gets behind the podium, the music stops and the lights come up. Behind him, the monitor lights up, displaying holographic 3D projections of “Disaster Probabilities Scatter Plots” and “Prosperous Future Histogram Charts” and the like, all of them suspended in the air and flanking Collum’s neckless shoulders.

Speaking into the mic, Director Collum opened with a dire warning: “Our AstroPretationed actuarial models confirm a 97.3% probability of a civilization-altering economic disruption within the next one to 500 years. Only through unified liquidity mechanisms and a fully compliant electrostrong labor force can we ensure continuity of upward-trending capital flows during this presumably likely event.”

The Director of Dividends & Disciples then launched into a slidedeck presentation titled “The Great Aworkening of the Egregore in the Ergosphere.” In light of the impending post-austerity recession plan, Director Collum explained how it’s more important than ever to get people working again and that his "Great Aworkening Program" will "fill the gap" for employers by levying a corvée to keep people working on the public opera. Collum wrapped up his presentation by thanking the media for listening and encouraging them to become brand ambassadors for The Great Aworkening Program during the Oforcorp-sponsored cocktail hour later.

After Collum’s presentation, Mayor Eamon Maplemay made a brief appearance to the thunderous applause of the attendees.

“I asked God over and over, and God answered my question with the only answer possible,” said Mayor Maplemay as he lifted his embossed ceremonial mayoral cane to the point at the ceiling. “Truth be told, God told me the one true Truth to be told. And that’s to trust in the unconditional election unconditionally.”

Next, Orange Forest Board of Order Coinmaster and Treasurecounter Lou Haversmore took the stage to answer questions from the assembled press representing more than two countries. 

Crowded Crowd Work in the Crowd

After the press conference, the floor opened for the Orforcorp-sponsored cocktail hour and networking event. Aimless Zemblan waitstaff handed out flutes of champagne for everyone and took our orders for beer, wine, and simple bar cocktails. The one concession stand, also staffed entirely with disinterested and inefficient Zemblans, had a limited menu of dry, deep-fried chicken fingers or potstickers (which greatly disagreed with this reporter’s GI tract later that evening). With hundreds of attendees and dozens of media, the sole food stand soon had a line wrapping around the entire main hall that was getting longer by the minute. Apparently, the extended wait for food, empty bellies, and flowing alcohol didn’t mix well as line-standers started shoving each other and shouting about no back-cuts.

The concession stand tensions soon simmered down, and this reporter spotted a colleague and close friend, Beth Embers. Unlike the rest of us scoop fools, Beth’s a paragon of journalistic rigor, weaving through the crowd and clutching a thick manila folder. This reporter caught up to her to catch up with her. She chuckled about “conducting oppo research” for a new book and followed up by saying, “Don’t tell anyone that I’m here. I snuck in. Feel free to include it in your article. But for today, mum’s the word.”

Always a shrewd one, she refused to reveal the book’s topic. But, needless to say, this reporter will be pre-ordering a copy the moment it’s available. We exchanged updates about our families, and then this reporter watched as she worked the floor that day, admiring her well-honed skills in confronting Symposium attendees with her folder’s contents that exuded a soft green glow. This reporter assumes she was sharing some sort of video, but there is no way to verify that assumption. Whatever the folder contained, its contents were extracting responses that, though this reporter could not hear them, clearly amounted to far more than “No comment.” She must have questioned more than three-quarters of the attendees, with each one offering a long-winded answer.

Attendees Electioneer for Excellerator Macro

Cocktail hour seamlessly merged into cocktail afternoon, and, with ultimate executive control bestowed upon the Excellerator Macro, attendees were hard at work electioneering for votes in the upcoming unconditional election. This reporter listened to attendees pitching all sorts of ideal solutions, novel theories, and proactive, outside-the-box thinking that they would bring to the esteemed position.

Redundant blockchains encased in volcanic rock and suborbital financial data centers. An eschatological derivatives market, with futures contracts tied not just to commodities or currencies, but to asteroid impacts and plagues and extreme weather events. One attendee campaigned on Universal Basic Tithing (UBT) that would use the AstroPretation platform to optimize resource allocation from every person.

“I know the Camelcase Capital-T Truth because God blessed me after I spent countless hours praying and God revealed his image to me in a 34,596-cell Excel spreadsheet,” proclaimed one attendee.

“Don’t you see?” explained another one. “The commie marxists fascists favor de-monetization. They’re de-monetizers. Demonizers. Demons. Don’t you see? It’s plain as day.”

Long-term Projections and Signs of Success

Later that day, the press event wrapped up with Warmerwear’s closing statements, cautioning that, “The Receding Rupture is upon us and only the anointed Excellerator Macro, The Disruptive Disrupter, Mr. or Ms. Risk Reward themselves, will rob the reaving Receding Rupture of its purpose to plunder and burst our basket.”

Outside, as the sun set on Orange Forest, casting long shadows across the DITCH, the last of the media trickled out into the chilly evening air. The building stood silent, its windows flickering with animated green lights. In those hallowed halls, attendees continued meticulously, diligently, and strategically picking the perfect seeds to plant, germinate, and bloom across boardrooms and government offices in more than two countries. As we hold our breath awaiting the Symposium’s unconditional election results, I think we can all rest peacefully in the assurance that the future of monetary and economic policy remains stronger than ever.