Recession Eventually
Local economic taskforce forecasts recession; City Board approves
FUTURE-FORWARD-THINKING, PRO-proactive POst-austerity measures
Exceptional Business & Finance Expertise By Ike Likewise
The City of Orange Forest, renowned for its entrepreneurial spirit, will once again take the lead in empowering business owners with growth opportunities. Thanks to the City Board of Order’s recent proactive measures in establishing the Post-Austerity Rebuilding Program (PARP), several prioritized local businesses will now have direct access to the financial resources necessary for rapid reconstruction efforts following the impending recession anticipated by market analysts.
According to sources close to the Board, the idea for PARP originated after Mortimer Warmerwear, director of immediate eschatology for the Orange Forest Business, Investment, Development, and Economic Taskforce, a public consortium of private citizens, revealed the dire prediction during the taskforce’s most recent “Fast Breaking and Slow Talking” monthly networking event, which directly inspired the Board of Order’s decision to disburse resources to businesses to weather the unavoidable economic downturn.
“The extremely unambiguous results of my prophetic methodology… speak for themselves,” Warmerwear warned. “When I run my very, very rigid and manly methodology full of thick profuse data through the AstroPrepation AI platform, there can be doubt that a recession is looming.”
When asked about the nature of the expected recession, whether it will occur due to slowing productivity, lack of consumer spending, greater competition from emerging economies, or another factor, Warmerwear answered, “Yes. I suggest stocking up the pantry and investing in Orforcorp stock.”
PARP will immediately implement a budgetary audit process that will enable expert third-party financial consultants to more strategically distribute city resources and enable rapid post-recession recovery for foundational Orange Forest businesses.
By all expert analysis, PARP will streamline the City’s budget and financial obligations while providing private-sector growth opportunities for Orange Forest civic workers’ retirement funds.
In response to a question about how the Boardmembers approached the decision-making process on this extremely delicate topic, Boardmember Rogelio Regentry, recently re-elected to a seventh Board term, responded:
“We’re in dire straights right now. And in situations like this, my grandpa, god rest his soul, always said, ‘Better to trust your gut…’ So, you know, you really just have to ignore all the silly chatter about this or that…. But know this: … retirees … will have golden opportunities… And all thanks to PARP.”
When asked about how the PARP measure will impact his retirement plans, 38-year-old Mickle Reham, an OF worker in the Sewers and Subway Department, had this say:
“I’m already just so anxious about everything. I worry about having no coverage and getting sick. I get sick worrying about covering the spread. My dreams torture me, and I choke my pillow when I’m sleeping. And every waking moment, I’m choked with a sense of the evil depravity soaking the world. Makes sense that it’s the end times. The signs are there. All these worries are like those Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Like how they had that Poison and War and the other two in the X-men cartoon. This is exactly why I support the Mayor and the BOO. I trust in them and their wisdom. I believe their destruction will deliver us from devastation.”
Some of the local small businesses qualifying for PARP funding include a business consultant group, a corporate advisory company, a private contractor for capital resources, a local law office, a portfolio management firm, and other small businesses vital to the Orange Forest economy and the job market.
These local small businesses will only further strengthen the city’s already robust economy and job market. By all standards listed in the Board of Order’s Quarterly Board Order, the city remains the most opportune place for businesses to obtain the Orange Forest Goal of slashing costs, making a killing, taking everyone to the cleaners, and burying the competition. By providing this financial certainty to weather an impending recession, PARP serves as the standard remodel for future-forward-thinking, pro-proactive fiscal policies that foster a prefabricated supply-side economic ecosystem dedicated to supporting the long-term stability, liquidity, and profitability of qualifying entities.
