This trailblazing publication, the go-to newspaper serving the Orange Forest metro area for a proudfull roundfull 75 years, is incredibly thankful to receive these tools and know-how. Now, we can take this bastion of primal journalistic prowess and restructure it accordingly.

To that end, the once-daily local newspaper turned biweekly (twice a week), turned biweekly (every other week), turned bimonthly (twice a month), turned bimonthly (every other month) is now a quarterly-only publication with a national market. And to that end, please allow me to introduce you to the Orange Forest Orator Quarterly, the new name for this media behemoth (in case you hadn’t already noticed by the masthead).

The paper’s newly revised format, refreshed aesthetic, and restructured distribution required making difficult but respectable staffing redundancy decisions. We are deeply saddened by all those we had to let go, but we know there are plenty of fresh opportunities in the bustling City of Orange Forest. Furthermore, by gut-busting the bloat and slim-trimming the waste, we’ve made the printed newspaper publication an efficient four pages instead of the previous 24 pages. 

Don’t despair, dear readers! We kept plenty of your familiar and favorite staff writers around. The cantankerously amicable Guy Zetta will continue writing his “One Guy’s Opinion Around Town” column. You’ll still get the scoop on the coolest and hottest movies, music, and other ephemera in the “Jambu Reviews” and “Zenger’s Bangers” columns. Then, who could replace everybody’s “Cool Aunt” Judy Crudités and her “Cool Aunt’s Raw Courant” column that keeps the city up to date on all the latest local gossip, rumors, and happenings? And clearly, we could not say goodbye to Elisabeth “Betsy” Embers, our beloved in-house one-woman institution and Pulitzer-prize winning accouterment grandiose. However, after careful consideration of a host of factors, all parties have mutually agreed to trim Ms. Embers’ contributions so she can focus on her much-beloved and long-running “Beseeching Betsy” column.

To surround and support our tenured staff with only the best, we invited exceptional new talent to breathe fresh life into this demisesquicentenarian periodical, including world-renowned science journalist Dr. Adrianna “Doc Fonzo” Alphonso. Doc Fonzo has been at the forefront of scientific journalism and backyard DIY experimentation.

We’re excited to welcome local Calvinball legend Tracktor Traylor Hitchens, who has hopped on board with his unique and unparalleled insights about the OF Olly-Wolly Polliwoggys, the American Calvinball Bracket (ACB), and those other sports the general public also seems to enjoy. Hitchens joins us after a brief, though sensational, career in Mixed Martial Confidence Arts (MMCA). He currently operates two Orange Forest dojos, with future dojos planned for San Bernadino, California, and Tallahassee, Florida.

We also welcome to the staff, Brandeleigh Subabillian, fresh off her two-semester stint as a staff writer for the University of Orange Forest’s Corsair’s Northstar student-helmed newspaper. Brandeleigh brings vast experience and insights into new media channels, platforms, and trends and will play a major role in guiding the Orange Forest Orator Quarterly for the next quarter century and beyond.

For those readers curious about the sophisticate who has assumed the mantle as editor-in-chief of the Orange Forest Orator Quarterly, I direct your attention to the “Orange Forest Orator Quarterly Editorial Forehead” in section B1.