It’s a dark, gnarly day here in Orange Forest. The Zweebster just got the bummer news.

Rest In Power to Quincy Forbin Jambres Junior ~1925-2025, industrial titan, visionary businessman, unbounded philanthropist, and favorite local son. No news yet on the actual cause of death. But c’mon, any man who could survive prolonged prostatic hyperplasia, ambient immunosenescence, jumboturbo thrombophlebitis, château lung, chronic organ rot, sommelier gout, sarcophagus sarcopenia, and no fewer than four assassination attempts (known to the public) would need a planetbuster to take him down.

May you ride the waves in the wake of the eternal break forever.

To show my profound gratitude for the man, the myth, the money-making machine, I’m devoting this Banger to Quinjo’s memory by reviewing issue #89 of the annual Jannes & Jambres Commercial & Industrial Journal & Informational (J&J C&I J&I), the final issue in which he served as editor. Once just a boring lame-o technical journal, the J&J C&I J&I is an updated, hip trip that lets you experience what it feels like to work for Orforcorp. It’s like a mix between a new employee manual, a tome of tribal knowledge, and a lifelong companion for personal growth after life mows you down. It dedicates most of its ink and imagery talking about how cool the company is and how much the employees should be stoked about working there.

And you know what, friendo? Hate to front, but no cap, working there actually looks pretty damn dope. Even with all the corpo-mumbo-jumbo like aligning your chakras with your quarterly goals, there’s something weirdly appealing buried here. Like it’s the promise of stability in our trapdoor society. Or like it’s the idea that work offers a deeper meaning in a world built on superficial nonsense. Or maybe I need to lay off the THC-infused chocolate-coated espresso beans.

Either way, though, yo, the journal’s totally engaging and riveting descriptions definitely caught me with my pants down. So let me pull up my pants and get banging on this absolute Banger.

First, a Brief Comment on the Community First Company™

J&J C&I J&I Issue #89 opens with the standard “Note from Quincy’s Desk,” and in this note, he takes a trip down memory lane to discuss his idea to rebrand the company from Distributed Industrial, Technological, and Chemical Holdings (DITCH) into Orforcorp© in November 2001. He discusses transmogrifying the company into a Community First Company™ and refocusing on what matters to the people, the public, and the republic: a vast diversified portfolio of affordable consumer packaged goods (CPG) like profitable cosmetic lines, laundry detergents, household cleaning supplies, and snack/frozen/boxed foodstuffs, in addition to societal necessities like media content, heavy metal manufacturing, industrial chemicals, dyes, and lubricants, mineral extraction, government contracts for industrial machinery components, chemicals, plastics, and rubber, and so much more to benefit all of humanity. The list goes on longer than an endless Phish jam. It’s a touching note about the company’s responsibility to the world, and Quinjo’s responsibility as the “man in the arena.”

Scope Out This Glocal Scope

Despite operating a global company with sites, campuses, and facilities intricately scattered across more than 50 countries, Orforcorp has never forgotten about its Orange Forest roots and its role as the largest employer in the state. In addition to Orforcorp Worldheadquarters calling Orange Forest home, scores of Orangeforesters proudly work at Logistics Hub Complex Phases I, II, and III, the JJ Bros Plastics Factory, and, although Issue #89 includes the Synthetic Dyeing Factory, that factory sadly no longer stands. Either way, anyone who calls OF home has either worked for Orforcorp or knows someone making a living off the company.

But see, I never realized just how much Orforcorp’s tight meaty reach around the globe extended. And to think, more than 50,000 people from every corner of the world can trace their sources of livelihood back to two brilliant, innovative businessmen who set up shop in a rickety shed back before radios, TVs, or widespread household electricity existed. That’s wild. Then again, I mean, I guess if you think about it, they did start the company during Prohibition, so it makes sense that if nobody was bashing and banging, they might as well form a company that will span centuries and continents. Amirite or amirite?

Honorably Honoring Our Elders and Ascending to the Apex

After the “Note from Quincy’s Desk,” the issue honors its oldest active employee, 103-year-old Level 7 Workforce Probability Coefficient Analyst Jacopi Soanso, who joined the company in 1943. Soanso is quoted as saying the company is just as spry and innovative as when he undertook the Born Again Rule. What a hard-truckin motherflippin dude.

Speaking of the Born Again Rule, what originally started off as a two-page article has now morphed into an entire 24-page chapter, all juiced up with fancy infographics and trippy diagrams visualizing your “journey through corporate rebirth” from Level 1 Feeble Fetal Trainee through Level 56 Emergent Systemic Executive Consciousness up to an apex node left vaguely blank. Not sure if that was a mistake or a message or a misprint or what? Either way, knowing me, I’d probably never make it past Level 3 Productivity Ascension just like I still haven’t KO’d King Hippo in “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out” after lacing up against him for more than 20 years. One day I’ll clubbo that chubbo, just like Quinjo clobbered his competitors.

The Watercooler Verdict: 4.5 out of 5 Cups of Coffee

Platinum ink dispenses literary prose imprinted upon wolframskin vellum with gold-leaf trimmed edges that shimmers with every page flip all while you indulge in proven wisdom, blending employee development, tips for life-work balance, and optimized corporate productivity into a compelling must-read Banger chock full of vivid photos showing happy employees mid-handshake with AstroPretation-powered Workerbot prototypes or enjoying holistic wellness integration programs guided by top business gurus.

But a lot of what it says still makes a lot of bizarre sense, you know? Like, I definitely caught myself nodding along while pouring over paragraphs about “discarding your inefficient practical rationality” to “emerge as your most efficient iteration, reforged and reborn into a profitable vessel of effecient productivity.”

So even though I’ve never hung out around a watercooler or worked in a legitimate corporate office, I’m dishing out a watercooler verdict and giving J&J C&I J&I 4.5 out of 5 cups of coffee. I just made up this ranking system, and probably won’t ever use it again, but it just felt extremely fitting for this highly caffeinated and highly addictive Banger.

Am I going to apply for a job at Orforcorp? Hells nah. Dream on. At least not right now. Not unless they threw mountains of money at me. Or, y’know, unless they had an immediate opening for a sweet gig. Or just any gig. Anyone know if Orforcorp is hiring? I need to go check the Orator’s job postings.