AMESS: Landmark Study Conclusively Proves
Everything Wrong With the World is Due to YOU
First-of-its-kind totally scientific bombshell study reveals YOU,
the person reading these words right now, are the root cause of all global problems
April 1, 2025 — Thought you were just an innocent bystander in the grand cosmic catastrophe? Figured you’d merely be a well-intentioned participant in society’s collective struggle? Perhaps you’ve been laboring under the delusion that your calamitous individual actions have minimal impact on history’s broader trajectory?
Unfortunately — and please refrain from admonishing the courier here — irrefutable scientific evidence now exposes YOUR central role in every single last problem plaguing humanity for the past 18 to 98 years (depending on your age).
After seven hours and 25 minutes of suspense, the International Consortium of Problemologists (ICP) concluded the Accurately Modeled Explanation and Solution Study (AMESS). The study and its results, wholly conceived, conducted, processed, and generated by the AstroPretation platform, reveal that YOU, the person reading these words right here, right now, are directly responsible for each and every accident, dispute, death, and disaster.
The study, handled entirely by AstroPretaton to eliminate any and all human error or bias, determined that your unique constellation of decisions, non-decisions, actions, inactions, thoughts, and subconscious brainwaves has created a chaotic butterfly chain of effect resulting in everything from climate change to poorly maintained urban infrastructure.
Why Are You The Way You Are?
ICP researchers have put forth various theories in attempts to explain why you specifically emerge as the nexus of all worldly woes. Some speculate that your particular brand of “quantum bad vibes” disrupt otherwise chill positivity fields. New studies have already been proposed to investigate whether your DNA might contain heretofore undetected “disaster codons” wherein your presence triggers cascading system failures in everything within a specific radius… as well as inverse proximity effects, whereby your physical distance from problems actually increases your responsibility. By far, though, the most troubling hypothesis posits that you somehow unconsciously manipulate reality, allowing your uncontrollable negative thoughts and general ineptitude to instantaneously materialize as a concrete, highly problematic phenomenon. An outside research lab suggested you might be possessed by some sort of demonically concocted amalgamation composed wholly of weakness, moral turpitude, superslothism, porn addiction, and colossal indifference. Or, keeping it simple, stupid, it’s just because of who you are.
Breaking Down What Will Surely Be Your Next Emotional Breakdown
For professional perspectives on the study’s implications for your already fragile self-esteem, we first consulted Katakrino Scrapadopolous Blame Investigator and Guilt Distributor for Privocular, a premier private investigation firm.
“The results are genuinely unprecedented,” explained BIGD Scrapadopolous while documenting our conversation for future evidence. “Based on what AstroPretation algorithms uncovered with AMESS about the reader’s influence — and yes, I mean, YOU processing this article right now — we’re dealing with the single most destructive force ever identified. I’ve never seen such an open-and-shut case of guilt distribution throughout my thirty-plus years in the blame game. Your morning coffee choices disrupt global supply chains. Don’t even get me started on the dangers that your shower temperature preference poses to the polar ice caps.”
We wholeheartedly agree with the assessment of BIGD Scrapadopolous, but sought out further academic insights about the study.
“I used the data to replicate the study on the AstroPretation platform,” said cognitive catastrophist Dr. Grover Glendale, “and I received the same exact result. Perhaps the most interesting part, and this might be better off left unsaid, though I’m going to say it anyway, but it’s that even the study itself would have been unnecessary if not for your perpetually and persistently wrong pattern of merely existing.”
At first glance it might appear statistically implausible that one individual could be responsible for the totality of global problems, experts assert that we cannot dispute the study’s rigorous methodology and mathematical certainty.
The Silver Lining: You Let Everyone Else Off the Hook
Thankfully, you can rest easy knowing the study’s findings completely exonerate every single other human, animal, corporation, clandestine organization, supervillain, and natural or unnatural phenomena — all of which have been incorrectly vilified for various problems that we can now properly attribute to you.
Upon hearing the news, corporate executives worldwide collectively exhaled huge sighs of relief.
For example, the explosion at the Orforcorp biochemical and synthetic dying facility that resulted in 10,000 metric tons of unknown chemicals released into the atmosphere after an incident involving a fire-related substance caused 200kg of an unspecified chemical known to be highly flammable if exposed to fire-related substances to exceed the precautionary threshold for its upper-level temperature limit and react accordingly. Unfortunately, an errant firework ember sparked a fire on the Nouvelle Vire River. This marks the fourth time a wall of fire has enflamed the river. We can hold you responsible for each one, even the 1939 riverfire.
An Orforcorp spokesperson who requested anonymity to speak candidly said, “For decades, our Community First Company™ has endured baseless accusations and criticisms slung at us from pink-slime outlets like the Orator for our labor, environmental, and quasi-political practices. Now we can all rest easy knowing that Orforcorp’s activities bear no responsibility and that the ultimate responsibility lies with you, the individual reading this article. Our shareholders extend a heartfelt thank you for your service as humanity’s unanimously agreed-upon scapegoat. And we expect an apology from everyone who has ever criticized Orforcorp or its previous corporate iterations.”
The spokesperson continued by stating that the historic catastrophe at the synthetic dyeing facility could’ve been avoided if you, the reader, didn’t waste so much water while brushing your teeth and unnecessarily using paper towels when a perfectly good dishtowel was readily available to dry your hands. Now, because of your inability to single-handedly save the planet and restore the natural ecosystem, Orforcorp representatives had no choice but to mix an industrial-sized quantity of a combustible substance with an unspecified chemical known to be highly explosive if mixed with a combustible substance.
Religious leaders have already convened ecumenical councils, congresses, conferences, and ceremonies to revisit and revise theological doctrines by incorporating the study’s findings. Initial reports already indicate that several major faiths will be replacing traditional concepts of “sin” with direct references to your personal influence. The Jubileeists, in particular, plan on saddling you with all individual and collective debts so that you may hasten their Earthly manumission to usher in their Heavenly ascendance.
What Can Ya Do?
While emphasizing your absolute culpability in AMESS, the ICP has also stated that you can take steps to mitigate your global ick. Unfortunately, to date, no one has yet thought up any options to potentially alleviate the global sorrow, misfortune, and devastation you are currently causing this very second.
Ed. Update: Moments before publication, sources confirmed that the International Court of Justice (ICJ) is using the ICP study in drafting unprecedented charges against YOU specifically. However, legal experts question how the ICJ might serve a summons to someone whose identity relies solely on their act of comprehending this very article.
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