FROM THE ARCHIVES
“From the Archives” will be a special section throughout 2025 that reprints pivotal and critical stories from the Orange Forest Orator’s illustrious 75-year history.
Union Members Purportedly Burn Down Turbine Site Currently Under Revolting Strike
Editor-in-Chief Gerald Hearsehorse, April 1, 1975 — What began as a shining exercise of American innovation has gone up in flames due to the radical union agitators believed responsible for the destructive fire that turned the once-promising wind turbine development at 49th & Potash into a burnt-out husk that will sadly no longer work out for anyone.
Initial editorial assumptions indicate that on March 25, a rogue technician, most assuredly acting under orders from corrupt labor leaders, sabotaged a large transmission wire, causing the ungrounded, electrically charged cord to expel a shower of high-voltage sparks that rained fire upon the fledging turbine factory. Subsequent editorial assumptions continue to support the idea that local labor leaders are directly responsible for orchestrating events. These harmful labor leaders should face significant prison sentences for these illegal and immoral actions, if what the official editorial assumptions so far seem to suggest turn out to be true. An official investigation is set to begin one day, according to sources who know someone whose second cousin is married to an OFLEC Enforcer.
Pusillanimous Laborers Reject C-Suite Magnanimity
Between 75-80 diligent strikebreakers were working the site as the lazy union members picketed outside. With upwards of around 2 million people having lost their jobs during this recession, these stubborn, ill-willed workers should have been thankful to have a job in the first place. Instead, members of Union Local 2412 Nail Pounders, Screw Drivers, and Blade Sawyers chose to abandon their positions in January, making unreasonable demands while hard-working Americans suffer nationwide economic hardships.
By all rational extrapolations, we could have avoided this horrific situation if the fatcat union leaders weren’t so greedy. The union members originally voted to strike after demanding 10% wage increase retroactive to 1969, greater use of asbestos in building materials for safety purposes, and a mandatory 15-minute smoke break every hour. In a display of corporate benevolence unmatched in modern labor history, management extended olive branches that would make Andrew Carnegie blush. JJ Bros & Co. counteroffered with 3% annual wage increases (contingent upon quarterly profit margins), free company-branded hard hats, and monthly $2 vouchers redeemable at the company commissary.
Despite the company’s unprecedented generosity, union leaders huffed and puffed hot air balloons full of socialistic screeds that brainwashed the workers into refusing the counteroffer. Talks collapsed, and the militant union members went to work (no doubt their first time ever actually working) using tactics ripped right out of the pages of the Anarchist’s Cookbook.
On March 27, Quincy Forbin Jambres Junior, the CEO at the company’s helm for the past quarter century, addressed the media huddled outside JJ Bros & Co. HQ. “My heart goes out to all those who lost loved ones in this unnecessary atrocity. It didn’t have to be this way. Our workers already earned twice the median household income, and we offered them even more! Sadly, those Tammany Hall union leaders were never interested in best-effort negotiations. No, their only desire was to hold hostage the local economy — no, the national economy! — all the while pretending their demands weren’t just obvious ransom notes dictated by the likes of Powell and Hoffman and all the other radical anti-business anti-American anti-order agitators.”
Deflecting a question about the rising cost of living and historic inflation, Jambres countered: “We got petroleum up near $50 a barrel. That cursed oil tax was taking a bloody toll on construction overhead. We’ve all got inflation creeping up our backsides. Don’t give me that bugaboo about devaluation. And the damn Vanzetti cherry in this bitter Manhattan is that jackbooted union demanding caviar benefits in a sardine economy. For nearly 50 years, JJ Bros & Co. has created thousands of jobs when the Orange Forest community needed them most, only to be met with picketing slugs, lost revenue, and now apparent arson.”
Despite his candid assessment of the project's financial challenges, Jambres answered a question in which he emphasized that his company remained committed to the workforce. "We may have to tighten belts, but we never wanted to see anyone get hurt, much less their ability to continue working for JJ Bros & Co. And now I say good day and god bless to you all.”
Joining the CEO was JJ Bros & Co. Safety Director Clarence Hawchin, who had an awful lot to say about the latest government overreach in the recently created Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA). As Hawchin explains, OSHA’s new expansive regulatory powers were seemingly written with the express purpose of specifically targeting JJ Bros & Co.’s facilities and creating impossible compliance burdens that directly contributed to the project’s financial challenges.
“On top of all of this,” said Hawchin. “We got no-good government agencies sprouting up faster than weeds in my backyard, with more headaches than ever before. Those beltway bureaucrats at OSHA don’t know the difference between a safety harness and a horse’s harness.”
An Economic Gargamelle: Weak Bozos and the Electroweak Labor Force Undermining American Industry
Ivory-tower scientists at some fancy European laboratory called CERN have recently discovered “neutral currents” that threaten to destabilize their current understanding of the subatomic order. The instrument used in the experiments, a cockamamie doodad known as a heavy liquid bubble gas chamber detector dubbed Gargamelle by CERN scientists, confirmed the existence of “weak bosons” that significantly support an electroweak theory.
Not to pursue this baffling bubble chamber down a buffaloing rabbit hole, but it brings to mind the great American Gargamelle Quincy Forbin Jambres Junior, who detected the “unneutral currents” destabilizing our current understanding of the macroeconomic order: the electroweak labor force. As in, the “weak bozos” running the unions and destroying the country with electroweak labor doing subpar work.
While the human tragedy at 49th & Potash was inevitable, financial experts were already suggesting that the first-of-its-kind wind turbine factory was an ill-fated venture, destined for failure regardless of any treacherous union interference.
Any man with an ounce of common sense could tell you that it doesn’t make a lick of business sense to discard our current energy grid — perhaps the single most complex, reliable, and important system man ever built — and replace it with an untested, unscalable, and unnecessary windy boondoggle. If we’re being honest, the whole idea of “turbine power” is nothing more than a feel-good fantasy concocted by DC think tanks that have never felt the stressful fiduciary pressures to deliver shareholder profits.
Sources purport that initial projections revealed that the turbine project would require massive ongoing subsidies while generating electricity at nearly triple the current cost. Despite the brutal financial reality, JJ Bros & Co. pursued the project out of a sense of national duty following the ‘73 oil embargo. The Nouvelle Vire River Valley Authority (NVRVA) had already purchased 5 kW worth of turbines, but this publication warmly welcomes any blow to these dictatorial valley authorities.
The nation already has the infrastructure in place to extract, distribute, and use the energy buried in the ground right under our feet, so why are we wasting resources trying to foolishly extract energy from the air? The harsh truth but fact of the matter is that this whole ordeal stems from a perfect storm of government overreach, union radicalism, and questionable European physics. Is it any wonder that when unions collude with regulatory agencies to create a hostile business environment, catastrophic failures follow?
As such, the Orator calls upon the Mayor and Board of Order to take immediate action to repel this electroweak labor force locally by establishing an electrostrong labor force wholly unbeholden to corrupt union leaders and wholly understanding of cold, clean boardroom logic.
Rising From the Ashes Once Again
Standing across the street from the former turbine facility, the acrid smell of charred steel and betrayal hung over the ruins, a grim testament to the consequences of union recklessness and government power grabs.
As brave Orange Forest Fire Fighter (OFFF) crews continue sifting through the charred remnants of what Time magazine once hailed as the future of American energy independence, many questions remain, including: How many more American Dreams and Orange Forest Goals must we sacrifice on the altar of labor radicalism and fascist government overreach? And when will we neutralize the weak bozos and electroweak forces undermining our industrial might before they destabilize more than the economy — they destabilize our American way of life.
