Your New Bobbo Rambo Bokop
Official Fan Club President
By Traktor Traylor Hitchens
As most of you know, I’ve never been a big parkour fan. Not to get too philosophical here, but I’ve always found it too reactionary. The entire sport rests on how parkourers react to a pre-built landscape and follow whatever flow the environment dictates. Athletically follow the flow, sure, but follow the flow nonetheless.
Where are the opportunities to create wholly original futures like Scrumblers do during Calvinball?
Parkour is like the Final Destination movie series. No matter how hard you run, you can’t outrun your predetermined destiny. Meanwhile, Calvinball is a pick your own adventure book. Total free will with no predetermined path you’re forced to follow.
Believe me, every rookie Calvinballer is out there shaking in their breeches knowing they’re about navigate the most vast unknown to exist. The human brain. Even if they’re a fraud and need to rely on some brain-boosting AI interference like some Parkour poser mainlining that whack WAP app.
Beyond these two sports. Let’s talk Competitive Tag. In Comtag, you have to take what’s in front of you but you also have to outsmart the Chaser too and stay one step ahead. Gotta keep thinking new moves even though you're still limited by the number of moves your body allows you to make. And it's difficult, if not impossible, to consistently incorporate completely new ideas and original plays in Comtag but it still requires “instinctual interaction with a multi-faceted dynamic environment” compared to Parkour’s “reactive interaction with a static, pre-determined path” to quote Ken Burns’ excellent Sports Americana documentary.
It’s one of several reasons I created O Jeito Do Fã, a reactionary and proactionary hybrid mixed martial arts where you must predetermine your own free will. You see, unlike playing Calvinball, where you make it up as you go along, O Jeito Do Fã requires you to predetermine your own free will so you can win jumbo jackpots as you spar. In my new book describing how I created my perfect hybrid of martial arts, I write, "The true master controls not just bodily rotation but financial circulation. By understanding combat’s inevitable airflow patterns, you always know that this move works against that move, potentially winning fights and bets before you begin. That’s why TrackBETs offers the best odds when certified O Jeito Do Fã practitioners and masters place bets. The only limit on your take-home winnings is how often you log on and how much you wager.” TrackBETs ensures O Jeito Do Fã is both exciting and exactly as profitable as legally required, barring any “obvious errors” in odds. Check out my book, Mo’ Dojos, Mo’ Dough Grows for mo’ luck in life and mo’ lock on wealth.
Meanwhile, Parkourers just keep reheating old nachos, hoping in vain that the next nuke will be the last one. They’re inkers at best, tracers at worst, just trying to hurry up and get the whole Current over with.
Plus, I’m my own hero, I don’t look up to anyone else or put anyone else on a pedestal.
All That Being Said…
Let the record show that long-time Parkour hater Traktor Traylor Hitchens has seen the light and is now a diehard Bobbo Rambo Bokop turbofan!
Since I’m on the sports beat, Maxy Mill Mill gave me one of the Orator’s three media passes to the Hardcore Apocalypto Parkour Pro Tour. I intended on skipping it, but seeing how much Guy wanted the ticket made me want to attend and see what all the fuss was about. It was the very first time I’ve ever actually watched a Circuit Tour stop, let alone attended the full three-day event.
As an internationally adored sports turbostar, I always get the best seats with the sweetest swag for the biggest games. But holy smokes, the VIP experience for the Hardcore Apocalypto Parkour Pro Tour blew my mind. Along with Big Bets, who scurried in under the radar to join us in the VIP section, we had an unbelievably amazing spectator sporting experience. Food was top notch, views were unreal, and the action! Whoa, the action was unlike anything I’ve seen in the hundreds of live scrumbles, games, matches, and competitions I’ve seen in my extremely blessed life. I have to think the gutted husk of a neighborhood made this tour stop a million times more exciting than any other stops. Especially ones ran inside a stadium.
Either way, it got me thinking about how so much of modern fandom depends on a predetermined quirk of birth. You root for a Calvinball Scrumbler because they represent your roots. You cheer for a Penultimate Frizzbee Team because it shares the same metro region as your childhood home.
But not me. I make a free-will choice to only join a fandom if it has the talent, skill, grit, and heart to deserve my fandemonius juju. I cheer for competitors who excel in the macro sense. I root for the fighters who succeed on broken wings.
See, when you tell an athlete, someone forged in the bottomless pits of competition, eternally focused on the sole goal of accomplishing the unaccomplishable, whose whole being aches to surpass insurmountable thresholds and push beyond the boundaries of known and unknown possibilities, when you tell that person DON’T DO THIS or YOU SHALL NOT DO THAT, all that athlete sees, hears, feels, dreams, lives, and breathes is: I’ll do it. I’m not saying athletes want to go out and kill, steal, cheat, and lie. I’m just saying when you have a culture built around suppression and oppression, this restrictive framework will seep into every aspect of life regardless of the original intent.
But isn’t that what fans look for in their athletic heroes? The heroes who not only never quit but who get turbocharged when they’re told they never will.
How do you know when you’re in the presence of a hero truly endowed with unsurpassed strength and ability and grit and heart? When you get those gut flutters from watching a turbocharged athlete’s afterburners in action like Bobbo Rambo Bokop demolishing that demolished Current run. You better bet on that!
Traktor Traylor Hitchens is the undisputed OG GOAT of Calvinball, creator of O Jeito Do Fã, and the owner of an ever-expanding national franchise of successful and highly lucrative dojos. His new memoir: Mo’ Dojos, Mo’ Dough Grows is now available in bookstores and major online outlets.
