March 30, 2025 — As the dust quite literally settles on the North Zembla (NoZa) neighborhood’s hosting duties for the Orange Forest Parkour Pro Circuit Tour stop sponsored by Orforcorp, we can all unanimously agree with crystalline certainty that although the stop’s unique setting gave runners a run for their money, the true star was the three-day VIP pass that proved to be not just a ticket to a once-in-a-lifetime sporting event, but a golden key to a realm of reimagined luxury spectator sporting experiences. The stormy sky and busted building backdrop might have seemed unconventional to the faint of heart, but those intrepid VIPs who braved the inclement weather and questionable location found the event to be an unexpectedly chic setting for high-octane entertainment and even higher-end hospitality.

Clearing the Current’s Undesired Rubbish

NoZa’s creative deconstruction program continues on schedule, with the strategic demolition of blocks and blocks of outdated, garish, and blighted buildings. However, despite the structural dangers presented by this ongoing architectural refresh, roving gangs of squatters and thugs, mostly Zemblans, refused to evacuate the neighborhood-turned-workzone. Thankfully, the Mayor’s office, in full cooperation with the Board of Order, made the decisive move to take action in safeguarding the neighborhood. After providing adequate housing, warm forcemeat stuffing meals, and a bit of spending money to the destitute Zemblans bunking amongst the rubble, OFLEC chauffeured the individuals to greener pastures full of opportunities to get a job and stop sponging off government handouts. 

With the former residents’ safety ensured and their living standards upgraded, the World Association of Parkour (WAP) enthusiastically approved the City’s request to run the current through NoZa.

Nestled in the freshly cleared neighborhood, the three-day VIP excursion offered an unprecedented blend of gourmet dining, premium views, and seamless amenities that left attendees raving.

Highlights of the High Life From the High Ground

Beyond the meals prepared by Michelin star chefs, VIP ticket holders enjoyed access to never-before-seen sporting sights. While non-ticket holders jostled for sightlines through the freshly erected double-slatted fence around NoZa, VIPs lounged in climate-controlled skyboxes perched high above the repurposed rubble heaps. Overhanging safety glass floors let attendees look down on the non-VIPs huddled on the partially demolished, debris-strewn streets below. With seven elevated observation decks constructed from shipping containers and salvaged scaffolding, the vantage points offered unobstructed panoramic views of the competition without the unsavory side effects of mud-splattered shoes or a potential twisted ankle. VIPs could relax in heated seating and watch augmented reality overlays projecting real-time stats onto the high-octane spectator sporting event backdrop.

The entire scene framed a live-action triptych of suspense and wonder: to the left, parkourers pratfalling into sewage drains; on the right, OFLEC enforcers ensuring no riffraff breached the neighborhood’s perimeter; and center stage sat the real crown jewel of the weekend, access to 10 pop-up diners scattered throughout the current’s cordoned off VIP section.

A Gastronomic Odyssey Amidst the Rubble

Blending global flavors with local… ambiance…  the eateries for the Circuit Tour stop transformed the derelict space into a culinary tour de force. Artisanal crafted menus distilled the essence of NoZa’s erstwhile squalor with 

Where else could one eat seared scallops with saffron foam in the shadow of half-collapsed warehouses while sipping smoky mezcal cocktails using rainwater collected from the storm’s downpour? Are there other sports stadiums that serve braised short rib that melts in your mouth like butter while you perch on a repurposed i-beam as rain pitter-patters atop corrugated metal roofs? Have you ever tried to sneak a deconstructed rubble cake paired with chocolate “soil” with caramelized “rebar” coils into a tennis match?

The Unexpected Charm of It All

As the stop’s top tricks were tallied, VIPs departed with exclusive goodie bags containing locally sourced swag and mementos: fragments of historic NoZa buildings, from googie signs to artisanal brickwork and upcycled jewelry made from glass shards and bits of busted buildings, and the like. They also handed out “puppy platters” with all of the leftover food from all the pop-up restaurants for anyone who wanted to let their pets enjoy the scrumptious meals, too.

These goodie bags exemplified what truly set the VIP experience apart from any previous sporting experiences — embracing NoZa’s unpolished character. From the free Wi-Fi names like Demolition_Delight and Rubblebunker_Punk to the self-sanitizing “Luxe Loo Potty Pods” with attendants handing out artisanal hand towels and mini-sized OrforCorp skincare products, the event’s dystopian-chic aesthetic has rewritten the playbook for luxury spectator sporting events. Say goodbye to gauche monstrosities like Jerkworld and Allergic Stadium. The future of sports is busted concrete, collapsing roofs, exposed rebar, and the lingering whiff of broken gas lines. 

Looking ahead, the Current Circuit Tour hustles through Port Azure April 14-17 before jogging into Cincinnati on May 1 for this year’s All-Star Dumb Fun Bum Run.