Help Wanted: Looking for an excuse to make a killing and bury the competition? You’re in luck! We’re soliciting qualified and experienced Disposition Distributors who thrive in both the mind-numbing fiscal aspects and the cut-throat physical demands required to adequately balance the scales. Responsibilities include participating in experiential B2C campaigns that leverage the full arsenal of market forces to empower efforts, enhance capabilities, and expedite the deployment and strategic execution of non-negotiable counter-offers. Successful applicants will have strength with Excel, excel with strength, and will have absolutely no qualms whatsoever about taking whatever steps necessary to follow orders and finish the job. History of private defense contracting a plus! Will also potentially consider those with a military or law enforcement background. Send a resume including any and all relevant ranks, branches, units, awards, honors, security clearances, social media handles, outstanding debts, and potential conflicts of interest to candidates@orforcorp.orj

Help Wanted: Are you against quiet quitting and into quiet working? Can you type fast? Like really really fast? And can you type really really fast over really really long time periods? Like type really really fast for 10 hours or more a day? If so, can you type really really fast for 10 hours or more a day while being a team player who commits to delivering 110% every day of the week without complaining or suing your employer? If you answered YES to all of these questions, then answer YES to our call for talented typescriptionists. Submit a cover letter, resume, and a screen-capture video (1MB maximum file size) of your typescriptionation prowess that demonstrates a consistent pace of at least 250 words per minute (WPM) over the course of 60 minutes to hr@camelcase.poop

Help Wanted: Major deconstruction company needs immediate day laborers who know how to swing a sledgehammer. Long shifts and decent, but guaranteed, pay. Higher day rates for those with heavy equipment operator certification. A creative streak is a plus! If interested, just show up to Pewter Avenue by 5am any day of the week and ask for Dino.

For Sale: Antique doorknobs, bundled broomsticks, and some old bricks; storefront doorways, shingled signage, haunted rubrics; copper soffits, bully pulpits, trim, and moulding; all the pieces of our lives you find revolting. I’m always on the move but always on the streets. Just ask around, and you’ll find me.

For Sale: Complete set of all 328 Superfun! Dynamic Action Fighters® in unopened original packing. YOU will need to arrange the pick up (I suggest a rental van). I will NOT deliver. I will NOT split up the set. I will only sell the complete set of 328 Superfun! Dynamic Action Fighters®. I will accept the best offer. DO NOT play games and insult me with a lowball offer. I KNOW what I have. Submit your bids to stanley.staysik@superfunfanclub.orj and put your offer in the subject line. I will NOT open emails with any offers lower than $500,000. Good luck and have a Superfun! day.

Seeking: SF seeks SM to cook up a big pot of homemade love with endless leftovers. Me: 4 cups of boundless ambition, 5 quarts of bleeding heart, 3 tablespoons of all-natural beauty, a half-stick of humor, and just little pinch of bitch for a little bit of spice. Must be willing to commit to all the prep and cleaning required for a full-course real deal to ensure our flavors match before any saucy countertop encounters. No ONS but very open to amusing our mouths. Contact regina@naughtysaute.cook