Partnership to inject fresh resources and expertise into trusted local news outlet

By Editor-in-Chief Maximilien Subabillian

In an historic event that defies all known precedent, Camelcase Capital has purchased the grand Orange Forest Orator, your most humbly esteemed vox populis and news adjudicator par excellence dishing and delivering the details deemed most delectably indelible for our dedicated readers.

The partnership occurs at a most audacious celestial crossroads, coinciding with the City of Orange Forest’s centenary and the Orange Forest Orator’s Diamond Jubilee 75th anniversary. 

Be sure to keep up with the city’s centennial highlights and the Orator’s demisesquicentennial celebrations throughout the year, culminating in the highly anticipated, thought-provoking, and wallet-opening 4th issue of volume 6 that will celebrate both momentous milestones.

Camelcase Capital has graciously provided the resources and managerial guidance necessary to allow us to disassemble the paper into its most constituent elements and use those elements as the foundation for more efficient reorganization and rebuilding efforts. We must shrink to grow!

Camelcase Capital has graciously provided the resources and managerial guidance necessary to allow us to disassemble the paper into its most constituent elements and use those elements as the foundation for more efficient reorganization and rebuilding efforts. We must shrink to grow!

This trailblazing publication, the go-to newspaper serving the Orange Forest metro area for a proudfull roundfull 75 years, is incredibly thankful to receive these tools and know-how. Now, we can take this bastion of primal journalistic prowess and smash it to pieces.

To that end, the once-daily local newspaper turned biweekly (twice a week), turned biweekly (every other week), turned bimonthly (twice a month), turned bimonthly (every other month) is now a quarterly-only publication with a national market. And to that end, please allow me to introduce you to the Orange Forest Orator Quarterly, the new name for this media behemoth (in case you hadn’t already noticed by the masthead).

The paper’s newly revised format, refreshed aesthetic, and restructured distribution required making difficult but respectable staffing redundancy decisions. We are saddened by all those we had to let go, but we know there are plenty of fresh opportunities in the bustling City of Orange Forest. Furthermore, by gut-busting the bloat and slim-trimming the waste, we’ve made the printed newspaper publication an efficient four pages instead of the previous 24 pages. 

Don’t despair, dear readers! We kept plenty of your familiar and favorite staff writers around. The cantankerously amicable Guy Zetta will continue writing his “One Guy’s Opinion Around Town” column. You’ll still get the scoop on the coolest and hottest movies, music, and other ephemera in the “Jambu Reviews” and “Zenger’s Bangers” columns. Then, who could replace everybody’s “Cool Aunt” Judy Crudités and her “Cool Aunt’s Raw Courant” column that keeps the city up to date on all the latest local gossip, rumors, and happenings? And clearly, we could not say goodbye to Elisabeth “Betsy” Embers, our beloved in-house one-woman institution and Pulitzer-prize winning accouterment grandiose. However, after careful consideration of a host of factors, all parties have mutually agreed to trim Ms. Embers’ contributions so she can focus on her much-beloved and long-running “Beseeching Betsy” column.

To surround and support our tenured staff with only the best, we invited exceptional new talent to breathe fresh life into this demisesquicentenarian periodical, including world-renowned science journalist Dr. Adrianna “Doc Fonzo” Alphonso. Doc Fonzo has been at the forefront of scientific journalism and backyard DIY experimentation.

We’re excited to welcome local Calvinball legend Tracktor Traylor Hitchens, who has hopped on board with his unique and unparalleled insights about the OF Olly-Wolly Polliwoggys, the American Calvinball Bracket (ACB), and those other sports the general public also seems to enjoy. Hitchens joins us after a brief, though sensational, career in Mixed Martial Confidence Arts (MMCA). He currently operates two Orange Forest dojos, with future dojos planned for San Bernadino, California, and Tallahassee, Florida.

We also welcome to the staff, Brandeleigh Subabillian, fresh off her two-semester stint as a staff writer for the University of Orange Forest’s Corsair’s Northstar student-helmed newspaper. Brandeleigh brings vast experience and insights into new media channels, platforms, and trends and will play a major role in guiding the Orange Forest Orator Quarterly for the next quarter century and beyond.

For those readers curious about the sophisticate who has assumed the mantle as editor-in-chief of  Orange Forest Orator Quarterly, I direct your attention to the “Orange Forest Orator Quarterly Editorial Forehead” in section B1.

Local economic taskforce forecasts recession; City Board approves proactive austerity measures

Exceptional Business & Finance Expertise

By Ike Likewise

The City of Orange Forest, renowned for its entrepreneurial spirit, will once again take the lead in empowering business owners with growth opportunities. Thanks to the City Board of Order’s recent proactive measures in establishing the Post-Austerity Rebuilding Fund (PARP), several prioritized local businesses will now have direct access to the financial resources necessary for rapid reconstruction efforts following the impending recession anticipated by market analysts.

According to sources close to the Board, the idea for PARP originated after Mortimer Warmerwear, director of immediate eschatology for the Orange Forest Business, Investment, Development, and Economic Taskforce, a public consortium of private citizens, revealed the dire prediction during the taskforce’s most recent “Fast Breaking and Slow Talking” monthly networking event, which directly inspired the Board of Order’s decision to disburse resources to businesses to weather the unavoidable economic downturn.

“The extremely unambiguous results of my prophetic methodology… speak for themselves,” Warmerwear warned. “When I run my very, very rigid and manly methodology full of thick profuse data through the AstroPrepation AI platform, there can be doubt that a recession is looming.”

When asked about the nature of the expected recession, whether it will occur due to slowing productivity, lack of consumer spending, greater competition from emerging economies, or another factor, Warmerwear answered, “Yes. I suggest stocking up the pantry and investing in Orforcorp stock.”

PARP will immediately implement a budgetary audit process that will enable expert third-party financial consultants to more strategically distribute city resources and enable rapid post-recession recovery for foundational Orange Forest businesses. 

By all expert analysis, PARP will streamline the City’s budget and financial obligations while providing private-sector growth opportunities for Orange Forest civic workers’ retirement funds.

In response to a question about how the Boardmembers approached the decision-making process on this extremely delicate topic, Boardmember Rogelio Regentry, recently re-elected to a seventh Board term, responded:

“We’re in dire straights right now. And in situations like this, my grandpa, god rest his soul, always said, ‘Better to trust your gut…’ So, you know, you really just have to ignore all the silly chatter about this or that…. But know this: … retirees … will have golden opportunities… And all thanks to PARP.”

When asked about how the PARP measure will impact his retirement plans, 38-year-old Mickle Reham, an OF worker in the Sewers and Subway Department, had this say:

“I’m already just so anxious about everything. I worry about having no coverage and getting sick. I get sick worrying about covering the spread. My dreams torture me, and I choke my pillow when I’m sleeping. And every waking moment, I’m choked with a sense of the evil depravity soaking the world. Makes sense that it’s the end times. The signs are there. All these worries are like those Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Like how they had that Poison and War and the other two in the X-men cartoon. This is exactly why I support the Mayor and the BOO. I trust in them and their wisdom. I believe their destruction will deliver us from devastation.”

Could AstroPretation be the new industry standard bearer for election forecasting?

National News from Brandeleigh Subabillian

With every last vote now counted and the people’s voices heard, perhaps the biggest winner of the recent election might be the AstroPretation AI platform that reported the most accurate polling forecast compared to the final results. 

In this case, the results of the Astrological Interpretation “AstroPretation” AI platform precisely forecasted the November 2024 election outcome using data tracked and analyzed against its Large Language Modeling (LLM).

This author can’t speak to the overall sources used for the AstroPretation LLM, but she can most certainly speak to the results. Proven results that CamelCase Capital just released last week.

Upon its initial release, most of us outside of the jargon-heavy tech industry assumed Camelcase Capital’s AI platform was just another late entry to the already cramped AI market. Once you learn the details about Camelcase Capital’s AI platform, you start to understand it’s anything but standard, and it’s the furthest thing from typical

Camelcase Capital’s patent-pending Astrological Interpretation platform relies on a vast library of content to shape and define its LLM — the materials the advanced algorithm uses to build its artificial intelligence from the ground up.

Below, we’ve compiled some of the final AstroPretation AI platform candidate forecasts made before the election and the actual vote tallies (per AP): 

Mayoral Race

Eamon Maplemay (incumbent)

• Forecasted

• Actual

Angus Grain

• Forecasted

• Actual

Comptroller General

Hayden Jambres III (incumbent)

• Forecasted - 339

• Actual - 344

**name**

• Forecasted - 3

• Actual - 1

Board of Order Director

Jozlynn   (incumbent)

• Forecasted

• Actual

**name**

• Forecasted

• Actual

Board of Order Coinmaster & Counter of Treasures

Daniel Haversmore

• Forecasted

• Actual

**name**

• Forecasted

• Actual

The platform notched a similar track record for the City of Orange Forest Board of Order Boardmember seats and other city and countywide legislative and judicial appointments.

In light of AstroPretation’s sweeping electoral forecasting victory, the attention turns to the dedicated team of talented individuals who made it all happen.

“I oversee thousands of fingers transcribing millions of human interactions,” said Sandy Zstai, an assistant typescriptionist manager at AstroPretation, “and our typers are top-notch. But really, the credit goes to the AstroPretation AI platform. We just feed it words; [the AstroPretation AI platform] does all the work.”

Beyond election forecasting, Camelcase Capital has deployed its revolutionary AI for a wide variety of extremely helpful and indispensable use cases to help accelerate business growth and deliver beneficial applications for consumers, society, and the planet.