Everything Wrong With the

World is Due to YOU

First-of-its-kind totally scientific bombshell study reveals YOU,

the person reading these words right now, are the root cause of all global problems

Thought you were just an innocent bystander in the grand cosmic catastrophe? Figured you’d merely be a well-intentioned participant in society’s collective struggle? Perhaps you’ve been laboring under the delusion that your calamitous individual actions have minimal impact on history’s broader trajectory?

Unfortunately — and please refrain from admonishing the courier here — irrefutable scientific evidence now exposes YOUR central role in every single last problem plaguing humanity for the past 18 to 98 years (depending on your age).

After seven hours and 25 minutes of suspense, the International Consortium of Problemologists (ICP) concluded the Accurately Modeled Explanation and Solution Study (AMESS). The study and its results, wholly conceived, conducted, processed, and generated by the AstroPretation platform, reveal that YOU, the person reading these words right here, right now, are directly responsible for each and every accident, dispute, death, and disaster.

The study, handled entirely by AstroPretaton to eliminate any and all human error or bias, determined that your unique constellation of decisions, non-decisions, actions, inactions, thoughts, and subconscious brainwaves has created a chaotic butterfly chain of effect resulting in everything from climate change to poorly maintained urban infrastructure.

EXCLUSIVE: In-Depth Coverage

of First Press Conference From

International Monetary Monism Symposium

by Ike Likewise, Exceptional Business & Finance Expertise

From Ansatz to Zenith

Binary Bylines By Night & Analog Ass-Lag All Day

Science & Nature with Dr. Adrianna Alphonso

You doomed, illiterate fools! I can’t believe the amount of wretched and unwarranted hogwash you spewed at me for my last article. The grizzly bears are a goddamn scientific allegory! A stand-in for the ceaseless conflict Igor and I must wage to protect my Backyard Mini-Accelerator (BYMPA) against the NIMBY bastards that I won’t dignify by name. You don’t believe that I, a goddamn doctor of scientific journalism with all the structural fortitude of a beached jellyfish, would try fighting grizzlies to the death?!

Yegads. Now that I dropkicked that bull guff to the curb, I suppose I should shovel some scientific slop into the content trough for all of you famished info gluttons and turbonerds. Unfortunately, the status of my Casimir effect experiment and, hopefully, eventually, ideally, the local allocation of zero-point energy got stuck in the mud… even though that’s why those scaly C Suite dust-lickers are paying me.

So, as Igor plows the gear out of the muck, I’m taking an abrupt tack on today’s important scientific journalism news. The creeptilian suits locking me in this godforsaken urban aquarium, bombarding me with its absurd political squabbles and cash grabs, actually led me to freakin Eurekaean realization the other day while scoping the nuclear reactor cooling towers.