Wednesday, January 1, 2025

Orange Forest Orator Partners With Camelcase Capital

Partnership to inject fresh resources and expertise into trusted local news outlet

By Maximilien Subabillian

In an historic event that defies all known precedent, Camelcase Capital has purchased the grand Orange Forest Orator, your most humbly esteemed vox populis and news adjudicator par excellence dishing and delivering the details deemed most delectably indelible for our dedicated readers.

The partnership occurs at a most audacious celestial crossroads, coinciding with the City of Orange Forest’s 100th anniversary and the Orange Forest Orator’s Diamond Jubilee 75th anniversary.

Be sure to keep up with the city’s centennial highlights and the Orator’s demisesquicentennial celebrations throughout the year, culminating in the highly anticipated, thought-provoking, and mind-opening 4th issue of volume 6 that will celebrate both momentous milestones.

Camelcase Capital has graciously provided the resources and managerial guidance necessary to allow us to disassemble the paper into its most constituent elements and use those elements as the foundation for more efficient reorganization and rebuilding efforts. We must shrink to grow!

Recession Eventually

Exceptional Business & Finance Expertise By Ike Likewise

Local economic taskforce forecasts recession; City Board approves future-forward-thinking, pro-proactive post-austerity measures

From Ansatz to Zenith with Doc Fonzo

Scientific journalism with Dr. Adrianna Alphonso

It was 4:30 am when the wretched phone call woke the owls, who began a predawn racket of hooting and hollering. My night of putrid dreaming wasn’t finished yet, and those awful finance snakes in Orange Forest had the serpentine audacity to call me the second they slithered out from under their fake 1000-thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets and demand…no, order!...me to report upon my as yet totally and completely unfinished scientific findings.

Who do those scumsuckers think they are that they can just hiss and expect me to start writing important scientific breakthroughs for some backwater lick-spittle hamlet? Don’t they realize my owls will slurp down their scaly reptilian tails like saucy spaghetti noodles? Yegads! The nads on these lads.

Science takes time, goddamnit. For you finance asps, time is the scientific term for what you refer to as money, the garbage you spend your precious time on this planet stuffing up your asses.